Is your marriage everything you ever hoped it could be? Or has it been pushed down your list of priorities since having children?
Let’s face it, parenthood is a full-time job, and it dramatically changes your marriage relationship. But marriage is the foundation upon which your entire family is structured. If your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you’ll be a better parent, and you’ll, quite simply, have more fun in your life.
Make a commitment
To create or maintain a strong marriage you will have to take the first
critical step: You must be willing to put time, effort and thought into
nurturing your marriage. The ideas that follow will help you follow through
on this commitment and will put new life and meaning into your marriage
. A wonderful thing may happen. You may fall in love with your spouse
all over again. In addition, your children will greatly benefit from your
stronger relationship. Children feel secure when they know that Mom and
Dad love each other-particularly in today’s world, where 50 percent of
marriages end in divorce; half of your children’s friends have gone, or
are going through a divorce; or maybe it’s your kids who have survived
a divorce and are now living in a new family arrangement. Your children
need daily proof that their family life is stable and predictable
. When you make a commitment to your marriage, your children will feel
the difference. No, they won’t suffer from neglect! They’ll blossom when
your marriage-and their homelife-is thriving. The surprising secret is
that this doesn’t have to take any extra time in your already busy schedule.
Just a change in attitude plus a committed focus can yield a stronger,
happier marriage.
So here’s my challenge to you. Read the following suggestions and apply
them in your marriage for the next 30 days. Then evaluate your marriage.
I guarantee you’ll both be happier.
Look for the good,overlook the bad
You married this person for many good reasons. Your partner has many
wonderful qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle to your marriage
is to look for the good and overlook the bad.
Make it a habit to ignore the little annoying things – dirty socks on
the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter, worn out flannel pajamas,
an inelegant burp at the dinner table – and choose instead to search for
those things that make you smile: the way he rolls on the floor with the
baby; the fact that she made your favorite cookies, the peace in knowing
someone so well that you can wear your worn out flannels or burp at the
table.
Give two compliments every day
Now that you’ve committed to seeing the good in your partner, it’s time
to say it! This is a golden key to your mate’s heart. Our world is so
full of negative input, and we so rarely get compliments from other people.
When we do get a compliment, it not only makes us feel great about ourselves,
it actually makes us feel great about the person giving the compliment!
Think about it! When your honey says, “You’re the best. I’m so glad I
married you.” It not only makes you feel loved, it makes you feel more
loving. Compliments are easy to give, take such a little bit of time,
and they’re free.
Compliments are powerful; you just have to make the effort to say them.
Anything works: “Dinner was great, you make my favorite sauce.” “Thanks
for picking up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful, you saved me a trip.”
“That sweater looks great on you.”
Play nice
That may sound funny to you, but think about it. How many times do you
see — or experience — partners treating each other in impolite, harsh
ways that they’d never even treat a friend? Sometimes we take our partners
for granted and unintentionally display rudeness. As the saying goes,
if you have a choice between being right and being nice, just choose to
be nice.
Or to put this in the wise words of Bambi’s friend Thumper, the bunny
rabbit – “If you can’t say somethin’ nice don’t say nothin’ at all.”
Pick your battles
How often have you heard this advice about parenting? This is great advice
for child-rearing-and it’s great advice to follow in your marriage as
well. In any human relationship there will be disagreement and conflict.
The key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing and which are
better off ignored. By doing this, you’ll find much less negative energy
between you. From now on, anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine
the issue at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How important is
this?” “Is this worth picking a fight over?” “What would be the benefit
of choosing this battle versus letting it go?”
The 60 second cuddle
You can often identify a newly married couple just by how much they touch
each other – holding hands, sitting close, touching arms, kissing – just
as you can spot an “oldly-married” couple by how little they touch.
Mothers, in particular, often have less need for physical contact with
their partners because their babies and young children provide so much
opportunity for touch and cuddling that day’s end finds them “touched
fulfilled”. So here’s a simple reminder: make the effort to touch your
spouse more often. A pat, a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage – the good
feeling it produces for both of you far outweighs the effort.
Here’s the deal: Whenever you’ve been apart make it a rule that you
will take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch and connect. This can be addictive!
If you follow this advice soon you’ll find yourselves touching each other
more often, and increasing the romantic aspect of your relationship.
Spend more time talking to and listening to your partner
I don’t mean, “Remember to pick up Jimmy’s soccer uniform.” Or “I have
a PTA meeting tonight.” Rather, get into the habit of sharing your thoughts
about what you read in the paper, what you watch on TV, your hopes, your
dreams, your concerns.
Take a special interest in those things that your spouse is interested
in and ask questions. And then listen to the answers.
Spend time with your spouse
It can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you spend all
your time being “Mommy” and “Daddy”. You need to spend regular time as
“Husband” and “Wife”. This doesn’t mean you have to take a two-week vacation
in Hawaii. (Although that might be nice, too!) Just take small daily snippets
of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted conversation, or even just quiet
companionship, without a baby on your hip, a child tugging your shirtsleeve
or a teenager begging for the car keys.
A daily morning walk around the block or a shared cup of tea after all
the children are in bed might work wonders to re-connect you to each other.
And yes, it’s quite fine to talk about your children when you’re spending
your time together, because, after all, your children are one of the most
important connections you have in your relationship. When you and your
spouse regularly connect in a way that nurtures your relationship, you
may find a renewed love between you, as well as a refreshed vigor that
will allow you to be a better, more loving parent
You owe it to yourself – and to your kids – to nurture your relationship.
So take my challenge and use these ideas for the next 30 days. And watch
your marriage take on a whole new glow.
by Elizabeth Pantley
Parts of this article are excerpted with permission from books by
Elizabeth Pantley:
- Kid Cooperation: How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading Hidden Messages:
- What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children
by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. and by McGraw-Hill/Contemporary
Where to next?
- How
loving are you? Take our fun quiz and find out… - What era do your mothering skills come from? Find
out with this fun quiz - I’m
a naughty mum because….Sam admits to her maternal slip-ups before
her daughter beats her to it!
