It’s the one time of year guaranteed to put parents in a spin – where shall we spend Christmas?
What’s right for mum and dad may not be right for baby. So, we investigate the options and pros and cons of each and then ask a relationships expert to look at it purely from your child’s point of view and what is best for them.
What’s the problem?
You’ve braved the high street and maxed out your credit cards. The presents are brightly wrapped and stacked beneath the glittering tree, which is looking beautiful after the two hours you spent perfecting the decorations. The house is adorned with shiny tinsel hanging from every available corner and twinkling lights have sent your electricity bill soaring. Sweets, chocolates and cakes are strategically placed throughout your own winter wonderland and everything is perfect.
Now all you have to do is relax and enjoy the holiday season, right? Wrong. There is still the daunting issue of where to spend Christmas. According to The Samaritans, 22 per cent of people say that family problems and pressures, including who to visit, will affect their enjoyment of Christmas.
Philip Hodson from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy says that many families are not only very complicated these days – with various stepparents and half-siblings on the scene – but family gatherings also prevent people being themselves.
So what are the options and what’s best for your child?
In with the in-laws
For many families, there is an unspoken rule that every year you alternate
who you spend Christmas with. Last year you spent Christmas with your family so this year it’s your in-laws’ turn.
Now, depending on your relationship with your in-laws, this could be a good thing or an absolute nightmare. If you fall into the first group, then there is much to be said for spending Christmas with someone else doing the entertaining, cooking, feeding and having their house bombarded with visitors. Not to mention constant babysitters in the form of doting grandparents.
However, if your relationship is a bit strained, it can be uncomfortable all round. Maybe you’d like to help with the preparations but your mother-in-law is possessive about her kitchen. Perhaps you get irritated that they don’t ’do Christmas’ the way your family do. It can all end in petty squabbles and bad feelings – and that’s just the adults.
If it’s inevitable then don’t spend the entire pre-Christmas period worrying about it. It won’t make any difference. Remember you’re doing it for your partner and it’s only a few hours out of the whole season.
What the expert says
Suzie Hayman is a relationship counsellor, agony aunt and a spokesperson for the charity Parentline Plus. She says, “Children often see things differently from their parents. You see an interfering mother-in-law; they see a delightful Gran, who always has time for them and is endlessly forgiving and fun.
“See it through their eyes and try to work out why the in-laws get up your nose. If you can see the reason they irritate you, you may be able to make the effort to deal with it, be flexible and enjoy the few days you spend with them. This may well be a popular choice for your children whatever you think.”
Going to Granny’s
Of course, the other option is to spend the day with your parents. After all, they’ll provide the kind of Christmas that you grew up with. You can relive, through your children, your own happy childhood memories.
But, no matter how close a relationship you have with your parents, there can still be similar problems. Your mother might not want you in the kitchen at all or, even worse, she might leave you to prepare dinner for everyone while she enjoys time with her grandchild. You may not like the way your parents will, inevitably, spoil your child.
Also, everything that is alien for you at your in-laws will apply to your partner at your parents.
What the expert says
Suzie says, “Since you’re an adult now, not a child, avoid slipping back into being Daddy’s little girl or Mummy’s helper when you visit your family – that’s what gets up your partner’s nose, upsets the children and makes you feel so uncomfortable and on edge.
“Agree clear guidelines about what you will offer and do around the house and how you want them to be with your children - always remembering that Christmas is a once a year thing and a little spoiling does no harm. Then, sit back and be a guest! Certainly, if they get on well with their grandparents, this would go down well with the kids but all of you will benefit from a clear agreement as to how long you stay. A short and fun visit is best.”
No place like home
In their Surviving Christmas Guide, Relate suggest staying at home as the obvious alternative to visiting family over Christmas. They say, “Don’t be afraid of creating your own traditions – live in the Christmas present, not the Christmas past.”
Staying at home certainly has its appeal. You can celebrate the way you want to, you won’t have to load the kids into the car to visit grandparents, when all they really want to do is stay at home and play with all their new presents.
There are no pre-Christmas arguments as to who you are visiting first, second, third and so on. You don’t even need to get dressed if you don’t want to.
On top of this, when the children are tired they can go to bed, leaving you and your partner some quality time together, although the excesses of the day may mean that you’re dropping into bed not long after the kids.
However, it does have its disadvantages. First of all, you have no help preparing the meal or cleaning up afterwards. And there are no doting grandparents to take the over-excited children off your hands for a while. Finally, love them or loathe them, Christmas is traditionally a time for families and for many people, it just doesn’t seem right not to see your parents over the holiday season.
What the expert says
Suzie agrees that staying at home may well be the favourite option from the children’s viewpoint but adds, “If you do want this year to be a “our family time” discuss with the whole family how you’re going to make it fun for everyone. This means agreeing to share all the chores – everyone, even toddlers, can take their own responsibility for some aspect of food and table preparation, cleaning up, tidying away. Plan games or party tricks to keep everyone amused – you could ask everyone to bring one idea to the day – and allow all of you time off at some point to do your own thing and get some fresh air.”
Head for a hotel
Do you dream of spending Christmas being waited on hand and foot and not having to lift a finger all day? You could always pack up and spend the holidays in a hotel. The only thing you’ll have to do for dinner is eat it before your empty plate is magically whisked away never to be seen again.
The decorations are up, normally far more extravagant than the ones the average household can demonstrate, plenty of new people to meet, all of whom are in the same state of relaxed festive cheer as you are.
However, many people don’t like their relaxation broken by screaming, over-tired children and if your little angel decides to throw one of his award-winning tantrums in the middle of after dinner drinks, then you’ll soon end up feeling hot and bothered. There’s nowhere in a hotel to drown out the billion decibel shriek of a frustrated toddler.
Another big disadvantage is that you just don’t know who else will have had the same idea as you. Fifty other toddlers deciding to join in the tantrum could very well tip your frazzled nerves over the edge. And on the subject of other guests, while you may smile fondly as your dad sleeps the afternoon away in his armchair, accompanied by the occasional sound of passing wind, it never seems quite so acceptable when somebody else’s dad is doing it.
As well as that, there’s always the expense to consider, along with the travelling to and fro, car heavily laden down with presents that have to be taken all the way back home again when you leave.
Suzie suggests that if you do opt for letting someone else take the strain, take along ways of distracting or amusing yourselves and the kids – favourite board games, puzzles and outdoor gear such as balls or Frisbees.
What the expert says
“Don’t forget the little touches that remind of home – teddy bears or comforters (and that’s for you – what about the kids?). Check that the hotel will serve meals at a time that suits your children and allow for them wanting to get down and run around in between courses. If there are other families, it will be a bonus - you can share child care and some time off. Kids may find it less fun than you – Christmas is often a time for family traditions and that means the tried and tested.”
Escape the extravagance
You could, of course, opt for the Good Life. Rent a cottage in the middle of nowhere. No families to interrupt your day, peaceful, quiet and cosy. A break from the normal day to day life.
But there’s still the problem of carting all those presents to your chosen cottage, only to have to cart them all the way back again. And you still have to cook the meal and tidy up afterwards. And of course, maybe your very tired baby just won’t settle in unfamiliar surroundings and you end up getting no sleep for the entire holiday season.
Susie suggests you mix and match the old and the new to advantage.
What the expert says
“Take familiar things along with you – the same old decorations on the tree they recognize, their own sheets, pillows and teddy bears for security. Then use the adventure of a new place - explore the area, play in the countryside, search for interesting objects trouve. If they don’t normally help you cook and clean up, use this as a fresh start to get them involved so you’re not the only one working over Christmas. Children may enjoy this but only if you can make it a home from home.”
Here’s to a Happy Christmas
Whatever you decide to do this Christmas and
whoever you decide to do it with, remember it’s a time for families. And most importantly, it’s a time for the children. No matter what your worries, stresses or arguments might be, don’t involve the kids. Let them grow up with the same happy memories of Christmas that you have. And that way, everyone will be happy.
by Clodagh Foelster.
Thanks to relationship counsellor Suzie Hayman for her help with this article. Susie is also author of “Your Kids, My Kids; how to cope when there are children from a previous relationship”. (Hodder £6.99)
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