Michael Lurie never realised the devastating effects that postnatal depression can have on women and men until his wife Kate succumbed to the illness. Here, and in his new book My Journey to her World, Michael talks about postnatal depression from the much overlooked male perspective.
It was always in the back of our minds
When I first started dating Kate she told me that she suffered from depression, so I knew from the start that it was part of who she was as a person. It was in the back of our minds when we were trying to conceive as we understood that depression can hit both during and after pregnancy. However, I never really fully grasped how serious this could be until Kate started going downhill mentally towards the end of her pregnancy. Just after our baby was born, it was obvious that things weren’t right with Kate as she refused to look at or touch our daughter. Then the hallucinations started and Kate just collapsed, saying she wanted to die. I knew we needed professional help immediately.
Holding the fort
While Kate was being treated for depression, I was left holding the fort
and automatically went into coping mode. I like to ‘fix’ things so I just
took on the role of carer, provider, father and employee without questioning
it. This was my big mistake. I should have told family and friends just
how bad things were – by not sharing it with them I was creating even
more stress. I didn’t tell my work either so I was trying to carry on
as normal in my job while doing everything at home. There’s only so much
stress a person can take and in the end my doctor warned me that I was
in for a similar breakdown to Kate’s unless I started asking for help.
It was a real wake-up call, not only for me but also for our families
and for Kate herself that we couldn’t go on living that way.
Hating the helplessness
I think the overriding emotion that I felt with Kate’s postnatal depression
was that of helplessness, and I believe that most fathers must feel this
way too. You want to help but what can you do when your partner says she
wants to die and can see demons coming out of her throat? It’s frightening.
I love her but there’s only so much that I can do. For months I was also
scared of leaving Kate alone or with our child for any period of time
in case she hurt herself or our daughter. And then I was incredibly angry.
I was angry at Kate for being depressed but also at myself for not being
able to sort things out for all of us.
The third person in our marriage
The motivation behind writing the book was not to dwell on the misery
and the negatives as much good came out of this experience. Yes, we all
went through an incredibly difficult time but the point is we’re here
now and we’re OK. I wanted to share that hope with other couples who experience
postnatal depression and its consequences. Getting through it is the journey
of a couple. Men must learn to not only be aware of what their wife is
going through but also their own emotions about it. And women must appreciate
that men suffer from the experience too. When I reached my lowest point
it seemed to jog Kate into recognition that she needed to play an active
role in her own recovery, which helped her start healing. We will never
be free from depression – I regard it as the third person in our marriage
- but we know to keep an eye out for it and act sooner rather than later.
Time for change
The situation regarding the effects of postnatal depression on men needs
to change. It’s essential that women, the medical profession and society
as a whole become more aware of what men go through and offer the appropriate
support. The existence of forums in which men can express their issues
would be helpful, as would any legislation that takes into consideration
the responsibilities men have at home (eg to make paternity leave a standard
entitlement). However, men must help themselves too by accepting that
while coping with this illness is tough it doesn’t mean that they are
incompetent for not ‘dealing’ with it. They need to ask for the support
they deserve and not feel ashamed for doing so.
My tips for dads affected by postnatal depression
- Communicate Be honest about what your feeling and tell your
wife, your doctor, your family. - Don’t feel guilty about how you’re feeling or admitting that
you’re finding it tough. - Ask for help:You don’t need to try to do it all yourself. Make
a list detailing what you can cope with and what you can’t and ask for
help. Don’t bear the burden alone. - Remember that you’re an individual – before you got married
and had kids you were your own person. Identify your own needs and make
sure you get some ‘me’ time when you can. I insist on an afternoon to
myself once a week!
Where to next?
- Find out more about postnatal depression in mums
- Postnatal depression in dads
- Feel for fathers – it can be tough being a new dad
- What to expect from life after birth by Sheila Kitzinger
- Life is enjoyable once again
