Surnames…. Would you change yours?

In these modern times, do we still follow the tradition of taking our partner’s name after marriage? We ran a poll to see what you thought … and were surprised by the results!

Stay or break with tradition

We asked babyworld members if they had taken their partner’s surname when they married. We wanted to see if our members liked staying or breaking with tradition … and for what reasons. The results, as you can see, were very interesting:

Poll question: When you married, did you take your partner’s name? Yes
- a woman should 66% Yes – only for the sake of my children 18% No – I wanted
to keep mine – it’s who I am 13% No – I didn’t like it 1%

The poll sparked a big discussion on our popular Discuss, Debate and Deliberate forum, which we thought we would reproduce below. We would like to highlight here that we omitted to include an option which a few of you would have wanted to vote for instead of the alternatives above – that you decided to take your partner’s name because you wanted
to. The answers should reflect this – and also are very indicative of the poll statistics.

I didn’t want to change my name

Many women these days are keeping their maiden name after marriage. Some do it to exercise their right as individuals and not the property of another man. Others do it because their surname forms an important part of who they are – it is their identity which they have had since birth. And some people just didn’t like their partner’s surname – why exchange a good one for an awful one?

A tradition based on women being property of men

I never considered changing my surname. It’s who I am. Also I feel that
it’s a tradition that’s based in women being property of men, ie you are
given away by your father (whose name you had) to your husband (whose name
you take), and I didn’t like that idea. My husband refused to even contemplate
changing his name to mine which wound me up even more. His family are horrified
that I kept my own name and delight in sending cards to Jillian Zimmerman,
so I sometimes sign cards to them as being from the Werb family. So far
my two daughters have taken their father’s name because I thought it was
less silly than mine (only just though!) but we might give our next child
my surname just to even things out a bit. I don’t mind that other women
take their husbands’ names, yet I find that a lot of them are threatened
by the fact that I haven’t, eg my sister in law. Jill

Only if my kids were bullied
My name is different to my kids’ but I’d only change it if they were being
bullied at school over it. As for the wedding name change bit – that won’t
be happening! Tania

I’d never change my name to a fella’s
I’d never change my name to that of a fella. My kids both have my name
even though my daughter’s father put his details on her birth certificate.
He was happy for her to have my name. I think we both knew it wasn’t going
to last and that he didn’t really care (he walked out two weeks after
she was born, went out for nappies and never came back lol). As we said
on another thread, though, if mum passes away we’ll take her maiden name.
Alison

I chose to take my husband’s name

Many women these days choose to take their husband’s surname. It is still
a large part of our culture, as much as white weddings and fathers ‘giving
away’ their daughters to their husbands. It can be considered another
way of proving your love for and commitment to another person. Of course,
taking your husband’s name can help you escape from an embarrassing or
plain awful maiden name, so it does have its aesthetic advantages too!

It represented a new beginning
To be honest, changing my name represented a new beginning as a married
woman. I LIKED the idea of “belonging” with (not to) my husband and I also
like tradition. I think some women read too much into name changing, etc.
It’s not always all about women being under the thumb and being seen as
someone’s property. It’s a tradition associated with marriage – that’s all!
You could then argue that the wearing of each other’s rings also means that
you are showing others that you “belong” to someone. This is true, and I
like that, but some people don’t, so don’t wear rings at all.
Dee

It’s down to the person involved
I didn’t consider not changing my name but I don’t think it’s something
a woman should do. I think it comes down to the person. I wanted to take
on my husband’s name so I did but didn’t feel pressured to. Sue

There are more important things to worry about

I took my husband’s name not because I thought women should – I took
it because I wanted to. It hasn’t changed who I am. Both our children
have our name as well. It’s not an issue for me – there are far more important
things to worry about. Suzy

I love us having the same name

I changed my name to my husband’s when we married. I see it as my
surname; I don’t know why but I love both of us having the same name.
It’s never been about him owning me or anything like that. To be honest,
I prefer what my name is now to what it was!!! It’s really a personal
choice. Lisa

I did it because I wanted to!
I don’t believe women should have to change their name but I did.
I didn’t do it for the children; I changed my name because I wanted to.
Becky

I don’t feel suppressed
It doesn’t bother me either way. I chose to take my husband’s name,
mainly as it was the ‘done’ thing to be honest. I don’t feel in anyway
suppressed by doing this. Erm… let’s just say my husband knows where
he stands lol! As with most things in life, it’s a personal choice and
I respect peoples choices whatever they may be. Linda

I hate Haite!
My surname is Haite and I hate it!!! I long for the day to get married
and get shot of it! I have considered changing it but my Dad would be
upset, so I’ll be a Haite until I get married. Nicola

It’s “right” to change your name
I just feel its “right” to change your name when you marry. It is old
fashioned, but hey I’m an old fashioned gal! I don’t feel I’m my husband’s
property – although he does sometimes remind me that I’m his Missus! Plus
I think it’s important for us as a family to all have the same name. Sandra

I wanted us all to have the same name

While not taking your husband’s name might not have any ramifications
if you are a childless couple, it suddenly can present a dilemma when
children come into the picture. In your desire to keep your own name,
how do you then feel about your children having a different surname to
you? It can make women feel somewhat estranged from the rest of their
family and it is often at this point that a woman takes her husband’s
surname, if she hasn’t before.

Call me old-fashioned …
I changed my name to that of my husband when we married. Call me old-fashioned
but the main reason we married (on our seventh anniversary) was because
we both wanted kids and I wanted them to have the same name as both parents.
Carol

I will take his name
I am not married but engaged. When my partner and I finally do get
married I will take his name. My son has my partner’s name and so will
the rest of our children. I would like us all to have the same name. Kirstie

I didn’t feel any pressure
I changed my name to my hubby’s because I wanted to. I didn’t feel
any pressure at all. For us, it’s not traditional to take on a husband’s
name but I did it anyway as I want all my family to have the same surname.
I don’t think changing my name means I “belong” to my husband and do find
it strange that some people think this. Rima

A suitable compromise

If you feel very strongly about keeping your own surname but don’t want
to be separated from the rest of your family because of your decision,
why not go double-barrelled? It seems to be a popular choice these days
but it’s wise beforehand to consider carefully if the two surnames sound
good together!

We’re considering going double-barrelled

Well, I’m not married and the baby is going to take both our names as I
don’t see why it should have just my partner’s. However, if I were married
I would take my husband’s name at the drop of a hat – because my surname
is plain old Brown. I think it’s nice for the whole family to have the same
name; we are both considering going double-barrelled as well. (Why not just
get married?!) I certainly don’t think that women ‘should’ change their
names on marriage, I think it’s a personal choice and I agree with Jillian’s
dislike of the ‘male property’ idea. Alison

Where to next?

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