According to Relate, the UK’s largest relationships and sex counselling charity, the most common topic for arguments between couples is money.

The majority of arguments is about how money is spent. Compounding this
is the problem that money is, for many people, as taboo a subject as sex
and talking about it is difficult.

Tipping the balance

Having a baby changes the financial balance in a family. The traditional
set-up had the man as the bread-winner while the woman stayed at home
to look after the children. He’d pay the bills and give out an ‘allowance’
to his wife for things like food shopping and household expenditures.

These days, even though more and more women return to work (because of
financial pressures) old stereotypes still prevail. According to Elizabeth
Martyn, author of Relate’s book Babyshock! “… one survey showed that over
half of fathers, and more than 40 per cent of mothers, still think that
it is the man’s role to provide for the family”.

With two incomes, and often two different financial agendas going on
under one roof, there are bound to be conflicts about how much money is
being spent … and on what. Elizabeth Martyn blames some of this on previous
financial experiences. “Many people arrive at parenthood with a handsome
collection of financial baggage, left over from having lived independently,
or having had other long-standing relationships. They may also be supporting
children from previous relationships. No wonder it can be so hard to sort
out a way of handling money that leaves everyone satisfied.”

The sheer cost of bringing up a child these days is an automatic cause
for concern alone, with current estimates in excess of £52,000 in the
first five years of your child’s life. Coupled with a drop in one full-time
salary, if even on a temporary basis, it’s hardly surprising that money
can be a sore topic. Some of the most common bugbears affecting couples
include the following.

Her loss of independence, financial and otherwise

A woman who is used to earning and managing her own money can find the
transition to relying on state and employer benefits and depending on
her husband for money difficult. Loss of financial independence goes hand
in hand with feelings of loss of personal independence, which can bring
emotional and psychological problems.

The woman often balks at asking money from her husband, preferring to
use her savings than admit that she needs financial help. On the logical
side it makes sense that she needs help – she’s at home looking after
the child and house, in itself more than a full-time but unpaid job! However,
relying on someone else’s dole-outs can feel demeaning and belittling.
Often even an infrequent trip to the high street to buy a new pair of
jeans or a pretty skirt will end up in a major guilt trip if the money
is not her own, hard-earned cash.

What makes matters worse is if your partner is constantly berating you
for spending on anything but the essentials. This might happen very rarely
in relationships but if you are constantly being bullied and threatened
about money you should be aware that this is not normal; indeed the Home
Office has classified extreme financial control as a form of abuse, so
it is important to be aware of the role money is playing in your relationship.

He feels as if he’s just a cash machine

On the other hand, men can feel resentful for any new demands placed
on their wallets and, being used to their partners’ earnings, might find
shouldering the burden on his own worrying. This can obviously cause strain
on a relationship. How much can the weekly shop cost? Aren’t there better
ways to economise on expenditures? Do they really need the most swish
and trendy cot on the market if it’s only going to be used for a few short
years?

Secondary status

Sometimes, when a woman has temporarily relinquished her financial independence,
she might also find that she does not have a say in any financial decisions,
especially if her partner decides that his role as sole breadwinner entitles
him to spend any available cash on whatever he wants. His partner can,
therefore, feel resentful when he comes home with an I-POD while she has
been counting the pennies and making cuts in the household budget. Even
if small amounts of money are involved, the lack of say in expenditure
can have a damaging effect on a relationship as it can extend further
to other important decisions being made without proper consultation.

Less social butterfly, more social recluse

Before children came along you probably went out a fair amount to the
cinema, clubbing, weekend breaks or even down to the local for a drink.
Now with a little one to contend with going out loses its spontaneity
and turns instead into a military operation, involving babysitters, lists
of emergency contacts and budgeting around what you’d like to do and having
enough cash to pay the babysitter. If a woman is at home looking after
the children, chances are she won’t be going out to socialise much, unless
it’s to mother and baby groups, so her tenuous link to the outside world
naturally comes through her partner.

If neither partner gets out regularly tension can rise. Worse still is
if he’s out socialising at the pub after work while you’re trying to deal
with a tired, whiny child at the end of an already 10-hour day coping
on your own, it’s no surprise that sparks will fly!

Other issues couples argue about

• Baby expenditure: she might want the best and most up-to-date items
  for her child, whereas he thinks second-hand is just as good.
• Returning to work: This can work in two different ways. Either the
  woman wants to return to work, either full or part time, but he would
  rather she devoted herself 100 per cent to raising their child. Or,
  she would prefer to be a stay-at-home mum but he says they need her
  wage to get by.
• Childcare costs: Often, women pay for this on their own, which can
  be a huge financial burden.

Reaching possible solutions

Resolving financial issues is not an easy task. The most important thing
you can be doing, according to Elizabeth Martyn, is talking about your
concerns and frustrations. The following are some of her suggestions on
how to tackle your issues to ensure a constructive outcome:

• Do a comparative budget: This involves taking your current combined
  incomes and listing your expenses.
• Make a baby budget: Decide on what you need to buy for your baby,
  how much you are willing to spend per item, and stick to it.
• Using savings: If necessary, do either or both of you have some savings
  which could help you out on a short-term basis? If so, make sure you
  agree how this money will be spent.
• Ask your friends and family: on how they manage(d) financially with
  a family.
• Be honest about your debts: If you have any outstanding payments,
  look at how much they cost and try to work out a way of gradually paying
  them off. Seek the advice of an independent financial adviser if you’re
  unsure.
• Joint accounts: If you open up a joint account, you can either pool
  all your combined earnings into one bank account, or a portion thereof,
  but make sure they contribution each of you makes individually has been
  agreed. This can then be used for joint expenditures on household and
  baby costs.
• Sharing decisions: As discussed earlier, the man is normally the
  main breadwinner within the family and often allocates a certain allowance
  to his partner for her expenditures. This is fine as long as both have
  a say in how much is given and on what both partners expect the amount
  to be spent on.

How to have constructive conversations

This advice is all well and good but until you know how to handle potentially
tricky conversations it might not be of much use. Elizabeth Martyn recommends
looking at your own attitude towards money before broaching it with your
partner. “Do conversations about money make you angry? If so, ask yourself
what your underlying feelings are. Anger can be a defence… Start to understand
why you respond in the way you do, and you can look for better ways to
handle the feelings that money discussions arouse.”

When you then try to have a conversation with your partner, be aware
of your reactions to him or her. “Money conversations often follow a well-worn
track, and couples can find themselves going round and round in the same
old row, resolving nothing,” says Martyn. Instead, try to work out what
you really want to say to your partner and find a way that is constructive,
not confrontational. Even if your partner’s defences are up, it only takes
one person to break a well-established pattern in arguments, so take that
step.

If you need any other reason to stop destructive arguments about money,
think about your children. Your attitudes as a family about money will
influence their opinions … so make sure what you are both saying is what
you genuinely believe in.

Where to next?

• To order a copy of Elizabeth Martyn’s book Babyshock! visit
  Relate’s online bookshop
• Find out more about money
  matters
• Going through a relationship rough patch? Talk
  to others on our board