What makes us maternal? Your shout

We asked Babyworlders what it means to be maternal…

“It means being warm and affectionate”

“I’ve always thought my husband’s mum is not very maternal; I’m trying
to think exactly why. I suppose she is just not the most affectionate
of women with regard to hugging and being touchy-feely, yet she is still
very kind and thoughtful in more practical ways. Maternal to me means
being warm, affectionate, finding it easy to give kisses and cuddles to
your own and other children, having a general love for little ones, and
I guess just more in touch with your emotions and being able to express
them well? Although that’s just my perception, I could well be wrong.”
Nicky

“It’s the urge to mother people”

“This is one of those ‘hard-to-put-into-words-but-you-know-what-you-mean’
things isn’t it? I consider somebody to be ‘maternal’ if they have that
urge to ‘mother’ people. The one who always watches out for children,
be they hers or someone else’s. Somebody who is very much in tune with
children and responds instinctively to them.

“I’ve always been very maternal, I think, and other people have often
told me, even before I had children (and bear in mind I had mine very
young). I can’t help but look out for other children in the park or when
we’re out: I always watch to check a child is with an adult if they are
looking a bit lost. Drives my husband mad but I’ve reunited a few with
frantic parents so I think it’s a good thing. I don’t think it is just
about enjoying being pregnant or liking babies, it’s more about understanding
children and knowing how to protect and nurture them.” Sandra

“It’s the way you connect with children”

“I did assume being maternal was an instinct thing: something just inside.
But my aunt – who I would have said is one of the least maternal people
I know, has just had a baby and by all accounts is maternal. I think it
must be a bit of both. I had friends growing up who would admit that they
didn’t have a maternal bone in their body and would never have children:
they haven’t. I always loved children, and from an early age would go
up to babies and small children and just talk to them and say hello. I
guess it’s the way you interact with children, being aware of their needs
and communicating with them. Maybe being maternal is just being able to
connect with children. Or maybe it’s a bit of both, something that is
instinctive and something that is learnt.” Em

“It’s knowing what your child needs or wants
before anyone else”

“To me, being maternal is knowing what your child needs or wants before
anyone else and before the child has said so. I can tell when Cameron
is bored or scared, when everyone else can’t see any difference in him.
Also, I think being able to automatically hug, kiss and say I love you
to them without a second’s thought. If it’s forced, I don’t think that’s
maternal.” Gem

“It’s having them because you want them”

“Now that is a tricky one to put into words; it is also tricky to explain
my definition of maternal. I have always called myself ‘maternal’; I have
always been drawn to babies and children and couldn’t wait, even at a
young age, to have children. Whereas I guess some of my peers weren’t
like this. For instance, I saw a friend from school the other day (we
are 26): she has just qualified to be a vet and studied for last eight
years. She is now thinking about having children not because she is obsessed
with them like I am but because she feels that is what she is supposed
to do at 26! So in my reckoning she is not maternal!

“Also I know plenty (too many) of women who have children as an accessory;
they go to work full time and have a nanny spend every minute bringing
their children up. Then anytime they get off work they are doing all they
can to be away from their children! I do believe in maternal instinct:
which should never be underestimated! But not everybody has it. Some people,
through no fault of their own, feel they should have a step-by-step guide
to everything and just don’t trust their own judgement.” Hayles

“It’s one of those things that doesn’t have an
answer”

“It’s one of those things that doesn’t really have an answer. I think
the common view of being ‘maternal’ is having that longing for a baby
or child and loving them at that baby stage. However, my neighbour is
one of the best parents I know, yet can’t stand babies. She doesn’t know
what to do with them. She has two boys who are now 10 and five and she
loves the age they’re at now. But when Hannah was born she wouldn’t hold
her, didn’t know what to say about her or anything! I think for me, being
maternal is the desire to be a parent and look after someone. I don’t
think you get less maternal the older the child gets, you just adapt to
suit the age of the child.” Tracy

“It’s being there for your child
forever”

“I definitely wasn’t maternal at all until I had my own. This is going
to sound bad (but I’ll say it anyway!) but before I got pregnant I was
the least maternal person in the world. I didn’t like children, never
cooed over babies, had never changed a nappy, had never held a baby other
than my little brother when I was eight years old. I just had no desire
whatsoever to be around children. My sister-in-law casually hinted for
me to babysit for her one night and I made excuses not to. When people
told me they were pregnant I looked at them sympathetically, I couldn’t
understand why anyone would want a baby. Thankfully things changed. I
don’t think I learned to be maternal but I think some suppressed emotion
just reared its head as soon as I saw my son at a 25-week scan.

“I don’t know how I would describe maternal. I think I’m maternal now
in the respect that my son is my number-one priority; his health, wellbeing
and happiness mean more to me than anything. I’m not just in it for the
baby/toddler stage, I’m looking forward to seeing him growing up and only
hope that I can be a good enough mother to help him develop into a decent
young man and that I’ll be supportive of whatever path he chooses.” Sandie

“It happens at different times for everyone”

“To me maternal isn’t just about babies or toddlers or children it’s
about natural instinct and the desire to protect and nurture and care
for another being (whatever their age). It’s about knowing your child
almost better than they know themselves, being able to pick up on the
little things that tell you what they are thinking or feeling. Just because
someone isn’t maternal when they are younger doesn’t mean it won’t change
when they have children: it happens at different times for everyone.”
Chamade

“It doesn’t exist”

“I don’t see how there is a such thing as a ‘maternal instinct’. Instincts
are shared by a species, they are not specific to certain members of that
species. Many women do not display this ‘instinct’ so I don’t believe
it actually exists as an inbuilt feature of human females. I think this
myth that all women have a maternal instinct is what causes PND and guilt
amongst a lot of new mums, who don’t feel this rush or love towards their
babies. The idea of a maternal instinct has been useful to society though
as it’s kept women subservient… just think of the attitudes towards
women who leave their children compared to the attitudes towards men who
do the same. On a lesser scale, it provokes people to criticise working
mothers but not working fathers.

“I think it’s normal and natural for most parents to love their children.
I don’t think there is some magical formula attached though that only
exists where a woman has been pregnant with that child and takes the form
of an inbred ‘instinct’. If that were true, adoptive parents or parents
of children born from surrogacy would not bond with their children or
feel the same overwhelming protectiveness and love for them… but they
DO! Just as learning to love another adult is a learned ‘art’, so is learning
to love your baby or child. Some women feel overwhelming love from the
first pregnancy test, others don’t. Hormones are only a very small part
of the process of bonding. After all, women who formula-feed stop producing
the hormones nature provides for bonding etc, yet they still bond with
their babies!” Kelly

“It’s very individual”

“I can relate to what Sandra said. I think it’s very difficult to define
as well, and is very individual. I have known people who haven’t got a
‘maternal bone in their body’ and yet as soon as they have had their children,
they are. However, I don’t think it automatically kicks in when you have
a baby. Someone I worked with for a short amount of time told me she would
have been the perfect person not to have been able to conceive as she
hates kids and only had them because it was the next thing to do. I find
that really sad.

“Two close friends of mine aren’t very maternal. One got pregnant accidentally
and I would say still isn’t that maternal… she loves her son, looks
after him well, is affectionate – all the things a mother should be -
but she isn’t what I would describe as maternal at all. The other friend
is so not maternal and never wants a child.

“I, on the other hand, have always loved babies. I grew up with foster
siblings and one of them was in my room when I was 14 years old. I got
up with her at night and loved it. I nurture my nieces and nephews and
they love being around me because I treat them with love, kindness and
respect. I think it can definitely be learned… some people aren’t comfortable
with babies, because they haven’t had the experience, or grown up around
many children. How would they know if they are maternal or not, if they
have never been around children?” Carole

“It’s being motherly, loving and patient”

“This is so hard to answer. I suppose I always thought of maternal as
meaning motherly, loving and patient. I don’t know if this is the ‘right’
way to see it, but it’s a picture in my head. I’m not sure if I am maternal.
I think I’m a good mother, but I’m not the most patient or ‘motherly’.
I have to work at it, it definitely doesn’t come naturally, which is sad,
and something I would love to change. I love my kids before everything
and anyone else, but I have to work hard to show them that. I’m not very
tactile although I try to be with the boys. I make the effort to hug them
and kiss them and I tell them I love them when I want to. But I’m aware
that this doesn’t come completely naturally to me, and that makes me feel
I’m not maternal in the sense that some other women are.” chelle

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