Adoption can bring with it worry and joy for all those involved. We spoke to babyworld member Dave Gore for an honest account of what life is now like for him and his family.
It was our last chance
We began the adoption process after IVF, which didn’t work. Adoption was our last chance of a baby and we went into it with our eyes fully open, with no real apprehensions. We had nothing to lose and everything to gain. We initially contacted our local social services and went from there. The process then was different to nowadays.
Getting through the assessment process
The initial process was tough, as we had a home assessment with an assigned social worker. This took almost seven months in total, from start to finish. We were not prepared for how tough it would be. You really have to look at yourself and each other closely and think quite hard about your opinions. We definitely didn’t want to adopt a child over the age of four as then we would have missed out on many of the big milestones that come with children of a certain age – walking, first words, etc. The approval process matches similar couples and children and the adoption panel makes the decision as to who gets placed with who. We had no idea until adoption day who we were matched with – not even the sex or age of the child.
Meeting Jake
We were approved in early December 2000 and were matched with Jake (our eldest) around three months later. He was 15 months old at the time and all the hopes and expectations of falling in love with him at first sight we had for our first meeting never quite materialised as we were surrounded by social workers and carers. We left him the first day not quite knowing what to expect the next day but things improved greatly when it was just
the three of us and we had a chance to get to know him. He moved in the following Tuesday. We had a lot of learning and preparing to do in a very short time, plus we had the additional issue of contact with Jake’s birth family to deal with. He still has contact four times a year with his birth grandmother, which we see an important link to his previous family.
Jake did come with a history, as many adopted children do. He was a care case and had spent ten months in foster care with the same family, and had been very settled there, before he came to us. However, we had as much help as we needed from both the foster family and the social services. Jake really is an adaptable little guy and there were not many bad days.
Apart from a few delays, he became officially ‘ours’ in the following December, which was a nice early Christmas present!
Then along came Emily …
With Emily (our second) things were different as we were assessed to both adopt and foster, as we were going to do something called ‘concurrent adoption’ which means a child is placed but with a plan to rehabilitate him or her back with their birth family. However, as it turned out, we were approved on Monday at 11.00am and matched with Emily at 2.00pm! We
met her at 4.00pm in the maternity unit when she was only three days old and she moved in with us at 6.00pm the following day. We were less than prepared to have a newborn in the house and we had a frantic shopping spree to buy everything we needed! Never in a million years did we expect to get a child so young and so soon after being approved.
As far as we’re concerned, they’re our own
As far as we’re concerned, Jake and Emily are our own children and we love them as much as we ever could our own biological children. Maybe, in some ways, they are even more special to us because we went through so much to have them. I can understand that some people, who are beginning the adoption process, may feel that they may never see the child as truly
their own but this is something we never encountered with either Jake or Emily. I am sure that any doubts people have would soon melt away once they are with their child. Many prospective adopters we talk to as ‘experienced adopters’ at the preparation meetings say the same thing. There are always issues but I know it helps to talk them through.
Telling them the truth
We told Jake at the earliest time we could that he was adopted but obviously in terms he could understand. He knows he has a ‘tummy mummy’ and that he didn’t come from Sarah’s tummy. We know all the history as to why he is here with us and, as he gets older, he will too. It is vitally important that he knows the truth of how be came to be with us and it will be the same with Emily. Not telling them runs the risk of them both never being able to believe a word we ever said to them for the rest of our and their lives.
The pros and cons
The pros and cons? Well, we have two fantastic children which we would never have had any other way. Also, there are two less children who would have been in care, although we didn’t adopt for that reason, but we know that some people do. The drawbacks? Some people will find the issue of contact with the birth family, which the courts are really into at the moment, difficult to deal with. Contact can be either direct, like it is with Jake, or indirect, through letters once a year, which Emily will be having. The assessment can be quite tough but all in all it is worth it. Although we have decided that two children is our limit, we have decided
to foster when they are older. But that’s another story …
- The British Association of Adoption and Fostering www.baaf.org
- Adoption UK www.adoptionuk.org
- The Adoption and Fostering Information Line www.adoption.org.uk
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