Maternity therapy expert, gentle birth practitioner of 13 years, Rachel Foux, helps parents through one main obstacle most relationships encounter at some point – communication. Here she explains the three simple rules of communication: when, where and how to speak to each other.

The 3 rules of communication for new parents

If I could give one piece of advice to every pregnant couple, it would be to learn how to talk to each other without blame or shame. There couldn’t be a better outcome for our children than to have parents who know the three simple rules of communication: when, where and how to speak to each other.

“One of the greatest gifts we have in partnerships
is to have a friend who we can rely on to listen and support us”

As simple as it sounds the reality of communicating to our partner about our dreams, hopes and desires can be extremely challenging once we become parents together. What we took for granted in the early days of love, can become our greatest challenge with a babe in arms. Finding the time, energy or patience to say how we are can be overwhelming after long days
and nights of changing nappies and feeding yet this is one of the most important parts of the day, it is the food that sustains intimacy.

How to communicate

One of the greatest gifts we have in partnerships is to have a friend who we can rely on to listen and support us. I encourage you to try not to abuse this resource as it’s invaluable. Even when the times get tough and we’re full of resentment and anger from the frustrations of juggling motherhood, it’s important to stop ourselves bursting out over our nearest and dearest. This can create bigger upsets, especially if we turn our bad mood into nagging or criticizing. Men recognize from the tone of our voice how we’re feeling and want to run away to the pub or golf course rather than soothe our jagged nerves with a big hug. On these days, I urge you to take a deep breath and try to find simple words to ask for what you want.

I want to tell you a rarely spoken secret about dads and that is their eagerness to care for their partners. Unfortunately we confuse them with our emotions and they can’t hear what it is that we want from them. Men are simple creatures (no disrespect intended) and we need to tell them what we want…a foot massage, a cup of tea or a bath without interruptions. Ninety nine out of a hundred times they will be overjoyed to help as they
understand the value of piece and quiet. Also less is better, tell them just one thing not twenty.

“I’m sure that no successful business would blossom
if the head office was the kitchen sink.”

Where to communicate

Make time for yourselves by going on a weekly date together. Book a babysitter or ask a relative to do this for you so it becomes a reality not just something you say that you’ll do sometime soon. This can be as simple as walking in the park hand in hand or drinking coffee in the café, anything that gives you both the opportunity to chat away from domesticity. Take this time to listen to each other and focus on your relationship, your love and your future dreams together. This is romantic. Remember that all your plans shouldn’t just revolve around your children, it’s your life too and feeling heard by your partner in this way will open your heart more to your partner with each date.

When to communicate

Becoming parents is a time of transition from lovers to parents and the constant challenge for couples is how to keep the flame of passion burning, albeit dimly through these early maternal years. I believe that effective communication will always spark the fire that leads us to intimacy. Of course we don’t just communicate with words, it’s our bodies that often speak the unspoken or rather shout out suppressed emotions. How often do we avoid physical contact with our partner because he’s annoyed us for not changing nappies or flinch when he tries to kiss because we don’t want sex. These actions speak powerfully and can sometimes get out of context if we feel extra tired or stressed. Men feel these physical rebukes very deeply and in the worst case, can eventually feel that we don’t fancy them any more.

The simple way to challenge this vicious circle is by communicating little and often rather than letting things build up over months or years. Always choose the right moment for this and remember these simple rules: never speak about issues with your sex life in the bedroom, financial stress in the supermarket or household chores whilst you’re washing up. These are the three biggest relationship breakers and therefore deserve your full attention also never underestimate how stressful it is to talk or listen with children around or whilst cooking dinner.

It is not unromantic but realistic to see your relationship with your co-parent and partner as a business agreement. You need strategies, deals and contracts to survive, just as you would with your business partner. I’m sure that no successful business would blossom if the head office was the kitchen sink.

About the author

Rachel Foux has over 13 years experience in women’s health and holistic healing. She was trained by Relate as a psychosexual therapist and is an individual and relationship counsellor and a gently birth practitioner. Rachel runs private couples retreats and sessions and  coach communication skills. She also hosts coffee mornings for mums which is an excellent
forum to learn about effective communication with dads! www.Householdcompanion.com