“I’m still learning”
Kate Abbey, 31, from Steeple Aston, Oxfordshire, used to enjoy a glamorous, fast-paced life in PR before she gave up full-time work to become a full-time mum to five-month-old Daniel.
“In my job as an account director for a PR firm, my lifestyle was everything you’d expect from the industry – glamorous, hectic and filled with launch parties. The company I worked for started off in the dotcom boom and launched such companies as lastminute.com and excite. I met my husband during this time – he was working in human resources and aspects of it interested me. I was starting to get bored of PR and decided instead to train as a life
coach.
“My husband and I set up our own personal and professional coaching company two years ago. He focused on delivering development training within organisations, while I specialised in life coaching for individuals. I thought this job would be excellent when I decided to have a family but things haven’t panned out as I expected!
“I think part of the reason for this is down to my personality. When
I was working, my job was part of my identity and I needed to do it full
time to really feel that I was doing things to the best of my ability.
It’s the same being a mum. I couldn’t manage to do it well if I was constantly
dividing myself between my work and my son.
“I turned into a ditherer”
“I liken looking after a child 24/7 to starting a new job every week.
Things change on a weekly basis and I’m constantly tired and I don’t know
what I’m doing! Just when I think I have mastered something, Daniel throws
me a curve ball and I have to start learning all over again! I hated the
fact that, in the weeks after the birth, I changed from being a confident,
capable woman into a clingy wreck. I used to be very future-focused but
I suddenly had to live minute-by-minute. I remember ringing my mum and
telling her it was 3pm and I still hadn’t cleaned my teeth. Having previously
been a fast decision-maker, I turned into a ditherer, asking my husband
Graham when I should change, feed or dress Daniel. After being completely
housebound for three days, my husband had to push me out the door with
Daniel just so I could have a walk. It took me 20 minutes to walk around
our village and I cried the entire time, as did Daniel.
“In my professional life, I was always incredibly organised, list orientated
and adept at juggling clients. I was also good at setting boundaries -
I made it clear to my clients that, when I was working, they had my full
attention but my free time was my own. You can’t do that with a baby though.
If it’s 7.30pm and he’s still screaming for me, I can’t just say to Daniel
‘Your bedtime is 7pm and now it’s my time so leave me alone’.
“Another difficult transition is realising that you just don’t have
the time or space to pamper yourself like you used to. At the end of a
day, my husband Graham comes home and wants to tell me all about his day.
After a day spent looking after my baby I then have to baby him. I feel
like asking ‘What about my time?’. The other night, we had a candlelit
dinner outside and I caught him looking at me in a certain way and I realised
this was the first time, since Daniel arrived, that Graham had seen me
as me, the woman he married.
“I am gradually gaining control of my life”
“I do make sure that I get some ‘me’ time when I can though. I sat down
with my husband and virtually drew up a contract with him, saying I needed
X hours a week to myself to stay sane. Because I am breastfeeding, and
Daniel won’t take a bottle, I can only be away from him for two or three
hours maximum but I fill these precious gaps by going out to a nice café
and reading trashy mags like Heat and OK. I also treat myself to a facial
or massage every now and then. The lady’s great – she knows I don’t want
to talk to anyone in the session, so doesn’t force conversation onto me!
In the evenings, I take a glass of wine and a book outside and read -
it’s a rare luxury.
“Gradually I am feeling more in control of my life. I think when a baby
first arrives, a woman is thrown into a transitional period. She’s no
longer the woman she used to be but can’t easily adopt the motherhood
title yet either. I was talking to a new mum of a 2-week-old recently
who was sobbing that she didn’t know what she was doing, she was scared
that awful things would happen to her child, that she wasn’t sure even
if she’d made the right decision in having a child. As I reassured her,
I realised that she was expressing exactly how I’d felt a few months ago
… and how far I’ve come since those terrifying days. I am now more confident
in my role as a mum but I realise there is still plenty to learn!”
“I didn’t like having to depend financially on my husband”
Cassie Jones, 35, from Knutsford, Cheshire, was a head accountant at
a major firm before resigning to stay at home with her daughter Lily (2).
“Since I was a little girl, I wanted to have a powerful career. I was
never very interested in having children, didn’t play house, as many of
the other girls did and studied hard to ensure I had a head start in a
well paid career. I think I was attracted to the independence of it all
because my parents had split up. I didn’t want to rely on a man for my
wealth or well being.
“Of course, this all changed when I met my husband Jerry. He’s a university
lecturer and we met at a friend’s wedding. It was love at first sight
and, within a year of meeting, we were married and talking about kids.
Unbelievable for me!
“I had just been promoted to head of my department when I found out
I was pregnant with Lily. I was frustrated at first as this was everything
I had worked for in my life and I knew that soon I would have to give
that up, even if temporarily. I feared that people wouldn’t take me seriously
as a professional now that I was facing motherhood and at first said I
would be back at work within a couple of months of Lily’s birth. However,
the moment I saw her, I changed my mind.
“I didn’t want to be torn between two worlds”
“I realised that I wanted to take a break from the constant deadlines
and be freer for a while to enjoy my daughter rather than being torn in
two between work and family. I had spent so many years trying to achieve
great things professionally that I wanted to take life at a slower pace.
“However, I soon realised that things with a child aren’t necessarily
slower! Having been so organised at work and having my days and weeks
mapped out, I felt like I was drowning at first when I discovered that
the best laid plans are often changed with little or no notice. I also
crave quietness and Lily had terrible colic for the first five months,
which got me very down as she cried for hours on end every day. I tried
going to mum and baby groups but felt a bit of an outsider; everyone else
there seemed to happy with their babies and lives and didn’t seem to understand
the turmoil I felt inside at giving up my job to do something I felt I
was no good at.
“Nothing can beat the sound of Lily’s laugh”
“My husband has always been good at mucking in but he often questioned
what I was doing which undermined my confidence. It was particularly bad
with the money situation. I had been used to a fantastic salary and, once
my maternity pay had ended, I was left on what he could allocate me. If
I bought a pair of pretty shoes, I felt I had to hide them as I hadn’t
bought them with my hard earned cash. What I had dreaded as a child -
of being dependent on a man – had become a reality and it’s still something
I find difficult to cope with.
“I still meet up with my pre-pregnancy friends who make sure I am kept
up to date with the latest fashions and celebrity gossip! They have been
my lifeline when I have felt isolated and alone. It’s been a hard couple
of years but I am gradually forging a wonderful relationship with Lily
and nothing can beat the sound of her laugh or her beaming smile. Not
work, not money, not anything.”
Where to next?
- A woman of no importance – read our interview with author Kate Konopicky!
