The physiological or mechanical problems of breastfeeding have been well documented. However, the psychological issues have not been properly addressed, leaving many pregnant women and new mothers struggling with the guilt of knowing breastfeeding is best for baby but unable to deal with whatever negative or confusing emotions they may have about this. Psychologist Dr Ros Bramwell addresses some of the common emotional worries mums have about breastfeeding and explores ways in which to deal with them
There has been a lot of research recently on the health benefits of breastfeeding and the physiology of human lactation, which has been enormously helpful in enabling us to understand why breastfeeding is so important.
However, conversely, the research into the psychology of infant feeding - how women (and their partners) think and feel about this process – is very poor and, therefore, is hardly surprising that emotionally it can be problematic for women. With the breakdown of extended family support and breastfeeding in the minority, it is understandable how many mums can have uncomfortable feelings about breastfeeding. Since breasts are very much considered sexual objects, it can be difficult getting round that idea when considering feeding your baby. Additionally, worrying about how others will respond to your choice of feeding puts on extra pressure.
Before we look at the individual problems, Dr Ros Bramwell stresses that there is absolutely nothing ‘wrong’ with a woman who finds breastfeeding difficult. “On the contrary, in a society which is in so many ways breastfeeding ’unfriendly’, it could be argued that this shows you are normal and well-balanced!”
“Breastfeeding seems too animalistic to me.”
Problem: “I see images of mother animals feeding their litters and it looks so disgusting and violent to me – their babies are tugging and pushing at her. She seems to be held prisoner by them, as if they were draining her. I can’t stand that thought.”
Dr Bramwell: It’s so strange that we’re more likely to see infant animals being fed milk by their mothers than other humans, certainly on television! Animals are not necessarily a very good guide to the human experience anyway, especially ones like cats and dogs, where there are several offspring in a litter to compete for their mother’s care – although you might notice that the mother generally looks very contented.
The experiences of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding can all make women feel ‘like an animal’ by reminding us very strongly about how important our biology is in our lives and how much we share with other animals - issues we don’t often think about. The problem is this carries a negative idea in our culture – we never mean anything nice when we say someone behaved ‘like an animal’!
For some women, the continuity between themselves and the natural world, which is affirmed in childbirth and child-rearing, is a really positive part of the whole experience. But for many others, pregnancy and new motherhood, including breastfeeding, means rethinking their relationship with their own body and their sense of personal identity in ways that can be uncomfortable. If you talk to friends, some will tell you that they had similar feelings, others won’t. Since it is a very individual problem, it’s hard to give sound advice on how to deal with these feelings except to say that they are normal and natural. The following questions and answers are linked to this one and may provide more reassurance.
I keep thinking of parasites”
Problem: “It makes me shudder to think of something living off me so much, like a parasite.”
Dr Bramwell: Many women talk about their baby (either in the womb or as a newborn) as if it’s a parasite, or that they feel as if they were inhabited by an alien. Women also describe feeling as if their baby is draining and imprisoning them and these feelings often seem to be linked. While these emotions are common, they are not much talked about, leaving women feeling very isolated and ‘unnatural’ for having them, especially if, when you try to share your feelings with someone else, they have a very different mothering orientation. Unfortunately, you could end up feeling even more freaky and therefore never talk to anyone else.
The fact that you have these reservations does not mean that you can’t breastfeed and that you won’t be an excellent mother. Perhaps you may not get as much pleasure from pregnancy and new motherhood as some women do but, on the other hand, you may probably start to really enjoy your baby when you can see them develop an independent personality – a time that other women find more difficult. New motherhood doesn’t have to take you over.
Finding out more about the biology of breastfeeding might be beneficial. If you understand how your own body works, it may help you to feel more in control. Other women may want to immerse themselves in the experience, whereas you are seeking to maintain a sense of personal integrity and control. Perhaps knowledge can give you this in this situation.
Other things you can do are to think about ways of making sure you can keep your sense of independence and integrity whilst still providing for all your baby’s needs. Establishing a sensible but flexible routine can be a big help in this respect. If you know that you still have time and space to be yourself, you may feel much more comfortable about welcoming
this new person into your life in such a personal way.
“Breasts are sexual objects.”
Problem: “I just can’t get past the image of breasts as sexual objects rather than feeding vessels.”
Dr Bramwell: This will always be a big problem for women as long as breasts are presented so strongly as ‘sexual’ objects in our society. Some of this has to do with social embarrassment and partners can also find it difficult to think about your breasts in a different way, which can add to the pressure. It’s very clear that this is a big problem for
many women – what’s less clear is how to deal with it.
One strategy is to think through where this vision of breasts as purely sexual objects comes from. It’s so much part of our culture that we see it as ‘natural’. In fact, when we look at the views held in other cultures, or even in our own culture in an earlier age, we realise how odd it is that we feel this way about breasts.
Another thing to think about is whether we have to see our breasts as being only sexual. Few acts are more erotic than kissing – kissing someone’s lips, or using our lips to simulate other parts of their body – and yet we don’t see mouths as being just for sex. I think this may be because using our mouths for other activities – eating, drinking, talking, laughing - is a familiar part of our everyday life. Breastfeeding in our culture is a relatively rare and unfamiliar activity. But as it becomes part of your daily routine, perhaps you can become aware that breasts – like lips - can take on many roles in our lives.
“What if breastfeeding turns me on?”
Problem: “I always get very turned on when my breasts are touched by my partner. I am scared that if I breastfeed I will be sexually excited by it and that makes me feel disgusted with myself.”
Dr Bramwell: Women experience breastfeeding in many different ways. Some find it quite unpleasant – perhaps because of a recurring infection- while other describe it as OK but rather boring. Some women are amazed to find it a uniquely pleasurable experience. Women’s experiences of breastfeeding don’t seem to be related to how they respond to different forms of lovemaking but, admittedly, no one seems to have specifically studied this.
Women who have not expected to feel such intense physical pleasure in breastfeeding can find this a little disconcerting. Again, many new mums don’t have many people to compare notes with and it may well be that the few friends you talk to have had quite different experiences. It would also be wrong of me to claim that this pleasure has nothing in common
with sexual pleasure; indeed, many of the same hormones are involved. However, this is very far from meaning that there is anything perverted or disgusting in this pleasure. On the contrary, the pleasure of breastfeeding is a completely unique experience.
I couldn’t breastfeed in front of other men.”
Problem: “I could never, ever, feed my baby in front of my father and father-in-law or in public. I hate the idea of getting my breasts out in front of strangers or family.”
Dr Bramwell: It’s hard enough for new mums to rethink what breasts are for; it’s even harder when the people round you continue to regard breasts as sexual objects and are embarrassed by them!
Some women take an assertive approach, rightly convinced that breastfeeding is best for mum and baby and that it’s society who needs to change. This is great, but many of us will feel uncomfortable in this campaigning role.
You need to feel comfortable and safe to breastfeed effectively, so for most women a more discreet approach will be best. Firstly, I think you might find it helpful to let family and friends know about your feeding intentions and judge their reaction. You may, for instance, be assuming that older relatives will be most embarrassed when in fact they may be
the most accepting, based on their own life experience.
Talk to your midwife or breastfeeding advisor about strategies for breastfeeding discreetly, e.g. a shawl draped over the shoulder and a quiet corner of even the busiest venue can be surprisingly effective. However, this will depend on things like what position you find comfortable for feeding, so you do need to take advice, and I recognise that some women will feel quite ‘exposed’ doing this even if there’s nothing anyone can actually see.
It will usually be quite possible, when visiting family and friends, to arrange to withdraw into a more private area of the house, like a bedroom, to feed. You may find it helpful to mention this when making plans to visit. Of course, when friends and family visit your home, you can withdraw upstairs. If you treat this as natural, everyone else will too. Of course, you don’t have to sit there on your own if you don’t want to, you could use this as a time for some girly chat with your mum, sister, best mate etc.
Dr Ros Bramwell is a health psychologist based at the University of Liverpool, who specialises in reproductive health psychology. Her research has been published in national and international journals, read by both health professionals and other researchers.
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