What exactly is a spoilt child?

From moaning to materialism: how does a child become spoilt?  And what can you do to avoid it happening?

What exactly is a spoilt child?

Everyone seems to have an opinion about what a ‘spoilt’ child is, particularly grandparents, who often seem to fret about their grandchildren receiving too much attention or too many toys. When we polled babyworlders on this topic, common replies included a child who wasn’t ever told no, who never was taught to respect boundaries, who always was given whatever they wanted, no matter how unpleasantly they asked.

Who’s responsible?

Everyone unanimously placed the ‘blame’ firmly on the parents, and this recognition is important according to psychologist Lyn Fry. “I don’t like the word ‘spoilt’ when referring to children,” she says. “It has such negative connotations – of something that is rotten – and implies the child is at fault. I think the term ‘overindulged’ is fairer and places the blame firmly at the parents’ feet.”

Media granny and author of The Good Granny Guide Jane Fearnley Whittingstall thinks that modern parents do tend to spoil their children too much but admits that she did it too and it didn’t do her children any harm.

“Many modern parents spoil their children, or allow their children to manipulate them. Parents seem to be more anxious about the whole business of parenting than we were, and this sometimes manifests itself in over-anxiety to please their children.

I was brought up pretty strictly, and when my own children came along, I was very easygoing with them (it was the permissive sixties and seventies). I know, looking back, that I spoilt them, but they turned into very nice, caring adults.”

Emotional vs materialistic

As babyworlders expressed above and in the comments on the next
page, a spoilt child is generally perceived as one who gets whatever he
or she wants, no matter how rudely or unpleasantly they ask for it. There
are no boundaries, no rules and no ‘no’s', basically.

Former head teacher turned parent coach and author of Raising Happy
Kids for Dummies Su Atkins reveals what this is. “By whining! Children
whine because they know their parents will give in. “Parents these days
seem scared to say no to their children; they want to be their friends
but of course they can’t be.

The guilt some parents feel these days – if they work long hours or
they have separated from one another – is great and they overcompensate
for this by indulging their children, often with materialistic presents
such as lovely holidays, toys, etc.

Unfortunately, if you give your daughter lots of stuff whenever she asks,
she will turn into a madam.” However, Su does not think that spending
lots of quality time with your child will spoil them. “If your child wants
lots of positive attention from you, then give it,” she encourages. “And
for those times when you need your own space, set down some basic rules.

Tell them that you will spend 20 minutes playing ball in the garden
but then you need to do your own thing. If you give them your undivided
attention during the stated time, you will find that they will be happy
for you to go off and read your book or make your phone call.”

And these children tend to know the best way to get under their parents’
skin too.

When does spoiling start?

The general consensus, particularly amongst our parents’ and grandparents’
generations, is that today’s children are spoilt from the day they are
born by being picked up and cuddled whenever they demand it. How many
of us have had warnings that we are making a rod for our own back?

However, most childcare experts stress that it is not possible to spoil
a baby, although there is some variation on the age at which potential
‘overindulging’ might kick in. Dr Miriam Stoppard, author of New Babycare
states that, “A child under one cannot be ‘spoiled’ enough, if picking
up, nursing, loving and cuddling mean spoiling. To me none of this behaviour
constitutes spoiling… Society has suggested that [a mother] will spoil
her baby if she does this, and so she is torn; she should not be. She
should follow her natural instincts.”

Seventies childcare guru Dr Spock thinks that spoiling is impossible
for the first six months of a baby’s life but, after that, you should
become more suspicious about the nature of your child’s crying,

“Colic and other causes of physical discomfort are behind them. Naturally
some of these babies who were held and walked a great deal during their
colicky period have become accustomed to constant attention.”

How to ‘unspoil’

This is all well and good but at what point do you stop giving them your
undivided attention? Do you do it gradually or do you force your little
one to go cold turkey? Unfortunately many of the childcare experts don’t
seem to cover the transition period between giving a child immediate attention
to letting them stew for a while ‘for their own good’.

The key to avoiding or combating spoiling in older children – aged one
year and above – is in early detection and in a slight hardening of the
heart when trying to break well established habits. Lyn Fry emphasises
that any action must first take place in the privacy of your own home.

“With a toddler, you’ll probably have to deal with serious tantrums at
first so start small,” she advises. “Overindulged children tend to have
even bigger personalities than their parents and can easily walk over
them so you need to be in familiar circumstances at the beginning.

“Using techniques like a ’1,2,3 Magic’ (you give them three strikes before
taking them for a time out) work, as does the ‘broken record’ technique
for nagging; if they keep asking you for something just carry on saying
‘No’ till they stop.

This means they know they are being heard but that you’re not giving
in.”

Dr Spock recommends distraction as a good technique with a young child
before they can really dig their heels in for a fight. He advises going
about your business cheerily and positively so your toddler can see that
you are busy and things need to be done.

Why spoiling isn’t good news

Trying to change long-instilled habits can be difficult, both for you
and your child. If you are struggling and wondering whether it really
does matter if your child whines for everything or demands your attention
24/7, it helps to think ahead, to when they are in the big, wide world.

Most people will come down harshly on a spoilt child and let them know
PDQ what they think of them and their behaviour. Surely it’s kinder to
come from you – their loving parent – than from an angry stranger?

Su Atkins urges parents to consider their child’s re-education as a positive
thing. “Toddlers and children need to know their boundaries,” she explains.
“When you are indulging them you are not teaching them anything useful.

Setting boundaries and using discipline are not negative things – they
are simply good, effective and positive ways of showing them how to get
on in life.”