Think you’d like another baby but scared it might turn your life even more upside down? We look at some of the most common fears and concerns of parents contemplating a second child, with some great insight by babyworld members and midwife Nicola Malcolm.
The (second) biggest decision you’ll ever make?
Taking the decision to start a family is probably one of the biggest you will ever have to make. Even if you have always wanted children, bringing a new life into this world with someone else is rather awe-inspiring … and downright scary! But was it as terrifying as the prospect that now faces you: whether to add another member to your brood?
It is often said that the decision whether to have a second child is often one that is made on the basis of practicality. The first child can be more of a romantic ideal – the proof of the love that exists between a couple. Now you have that proof, do you need more? Instead of deciding to strengthen your relationship with a baby you have made, you are taking a practical approach, looking instead at such factors as whether you can afford a child, what the perfect age gap is and if you might as well not bother to celebrate any anniversaries for the next 18 years!
Midwife, Nicola Malcolm, agrees that couples considering a second child seem to do so based on careful consideration than anything else. “From talking to my friends who have had a second baby it does seem that they think more practically, i.e. ‘I have all the clothes and equipment’, ‘The first one will have a playmate’ etc. Some secretly harbour a desire for a different sex second time around, although are happy with what they get!”
The practicalities must weigh up in the second child’s favour though as many couples do go on to have two, three, four or more children! But it’s worth looking at these concerns to see how people have worked out their answer to the fears they faced.
Can we afford it?
If the cost of bringing up one child to the age of five is in the region of £52,000, you could be forgiven for wondering if you can really afford a second! All those nappies (disposable or reusable), formula (if you don’t breastfeed or stop early), electricity etc for running the washing machine all adds up. And those are just the immediate concerns – what about education, university and giving your children a financially stable start to their lives?
Finance is something every parent thinks about the first time around and even more so the second. However, many people from different walks of life do afford more than one child and they are not all families with nannies and second homes in France! For a start, you will already have lots of the essential equipment from your first child – a Moses Basket, cot/cotbed (even if you need new mattresses for these), a car seat, highchair, stairgates, etc. This immediately can be knocked off the huge expense that having children is supposed to entail.
Women seem much better at realising this than their partners, as babyworld member Fi said. “”My partner worries how much it will cost, although I can’t imagine it would cost that much more in the short term, as we already have the baby ‘equipment’ from the first, and they don’t eat for the first 6 months! I know nappies are expensive, but I hope to persuade my partner to try washables and I would like to get the breastfeeding right time and that will avoid money on formula.”
Another babyworld member Kelly agreed, adding a very important point – that with your second you are less likely to be enticed into buying unnecessary gadgets that, as a first-time mum, you become convinced you need! “Financially, I think the second baby is usually easier. Not just because you already have things from the first baby (if you still do) but also because we make better choices with experience. We know what we do and don’t need, and so many unnecessary things are bought for first babies.”
A more sizeable age gap can also be helpful if finance is a worry in your household, as Sara pointed out. “We didn’t worry about this when trying to conceive our second baby as we still had all the equipment from our first. We had to buy new clothes as my first was a daughter and my second a son but everything else we recycled. My daughter was out of nappies a month before our son arrived, so we never had that double whammy too. This time, however, given the age gap, we had to consider whether we could afford it and after weighing everything up we went for it. We will be without my wages for a long time, so economising is high on our priorities.”
At the end of the day, though, if you really want a second baby, then nothing is going to stand in your way, as Nicci believes. “Money never came into it with me. Although I always remembered someone saying if you say you can’t afford to have a baby, you never will!”
What is the best age gap?
There is a lot of talk about optimum age gaps between children so that the first doesn’t feel pushed out and the parents aren’t too knackered! Allegedly, the ideal is to have the second before your first one hits two years (and toddler jealousy sets in) or after they have turned four and are occupied with school and other activities. Some parents do believe in trying to adhere to the rule that ‘the younger the better’, such as Fi. “I’m trying to persuade my partner to have another one! I worry about how it will affect Elliott (14 months). I keep reading about how two is the worst age for the first child when the next is born.”
Keeping the age gap small certainly worked for Kelly too. “I had gaps of 21 months and 23 months and it did work out pretty smoothly in terms of the older children accepting the new baby. But I am pretty certain that if I’d had a new baby when Oscar was 3 he would have hated it. He was going through a very clingy and frustrated stage. I still think it depends on the family though.”
Of course, some people don’t have a lot of choice about when their second arrives. Accidents happen or sometimes, if problems have occurred, parents prefer to try for their second child as soon as possible. But fate can be fortuitous, as Donna confirmed. “We didn’t have much say in the age gap; that was down to fate but it’s good for us, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think the age gap is a personal decision that only you can make. I have a little miracle and a special gift, that’s how I describe my two boys and I wouldn’t be without either of them!”
At the end of the day, you’d probably be best off forgetting about textbook advice, pressure from friends and family to have another and do it all when it best suits your family, your finances and your situation, as Sara and Difly (respectively) pointed out.
“With our first two we wanted them to be close together but then we waited 5 years for this one. I think it’s down to the individual couple and what they think. There’s no right or wrong.”
“My first daughter had just turned 3 when my second daughter was born. At first I worried that I had turned her little world upside down by bringing a new baby into it, but she loves her little sister to bits. If anything it was me that she was really off with after Eve was born and I was advised to try to do things with just her, which I did and it did help. I would say anyone thinking about trying to conceive their second child to just go for it. Whilst I found it a bit of a struggle at first, we’re getting along great now. Don’t know how I would cope with three though!”
Can I ever love another child as much as my first?
This surely has to be one of the biggest fears parents face when considering a second child and, indeed, many mums we spoke to for this feature have voiced this concern. Sara admitted being ‘terrified’ at the prospect of not being able to share her love evenly. “I can’t describe what it felt like having my son two years after my daughter. I was terrified I wouldn’t love him the same as her but when they handed him to be, I thought I’d burst with love. I’ve not been so worried this time as I can remember that from before… but it is strange that I’ve been a mum of two for so long that I will be a mum of three soon. Yikes!”
Babyworld antenatal adviser Nicola Malcolm understands this concern but was also quick to reassure that you can find enough love for more than one child! “Your love for a second child seems to come from nowhere and you adapt to having two or more children. As the children are at different stages, the type of attention that they need is different and, as women, we’re excellent at adapting to everyone’s needs (sometimes at the detriment of our own).”
If you had problems with your first pregnancy, birth or child, it may increase your concerns. Often, if your child was sick or if you had trouble conceiving first time round, you may feel that your firstborn is so special that any subsequent siblings cannot possibly touch you in the same way. This was certainly the fear voiced by Donna. “I had my second less than a year after my first. My first came along after seven years trying to conceive and ineffectual treatment. Then he had to have heart surgery. I was totally besotted with him. When I found out I was pregnant again, my first was only a few months old and I did worry I wouldn’t be able to love our second so much, but I shouldn’t have worried, I completely adore him the same.”
Nicci’s biggest worry was whether her third child (second after twins) would be healthy. “The only concern I had really was that Millie wasn’t premature like the twins. And that concern stayed with my right up until 30 weeks. At that point, my only concern was blasted heartburn! I love all my daughters equally, they are my world and unique in their own little ways.”
If after reading this you are still not convinced, Kelly’s grandmother had some invaluable words of wisdom to pass on, which Kelly kindly shared with us. “There is an old saying that my grandmother (and probably a lot of other people’s grandmothers… ) had: ‘Love does not divide, it multiplies.’ I think that says it all really. Everyone worries that they can’t possibly love another child as fiercely as they love their first. I also think that for some people, it might take longer to realise the same bond. It did for me. I ‘preferred’ my first child for some time because I had PND after the birth of my second child and he was a very difficult baby. It does all seem to even out in the end though. I love my three equally now, and I find it hard to believe I ever worried about it.”
Can our relationship survive another child?
It is natural for even the most solid of relationships to go through a rough patch after the birth of a child as you both struggle to adapt to life as a three, and to different opinions on childrearing, discipline and finances. Throw lack of sleep into the equation and you have a great recipe for arguments! But does a second child bring more arguments? And will you manage to get ANY quality time as a couple?
Nicola Malcolm, thinks it is absolutely possible to manage life with one extra child … with some planning and adjustments. “As women, we are used to adapting to new situations. With two children you may find it easier as they will be able to play together in time. Organisation is the key and you may find it easier to impose structures on things such as bed times as you can encourage the older child to show the baby how things are done. Encourage your partner to help you with routines etc so he feels involved too.”
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