Potty training doesn’t always go smoothly. We take a look at some of the most common potty training problems and see how the experts advise you deal with them.
One poo on the loo was too much
Q: “My daughter is 2yrs and 3mths, and so far has managed one poo in the potty but now won’t go any where near it or the toilet. She gets really distressed when she is going in her nappy but when you suggest she goes on the potty or the toilet she goes mad! She has been taking the ‘not ready’ approach so I keep changing her nappy but the problem is that I’m due with twins mid-August and had hoped to have it sussed by then! I’ve tried bribery of all shapes and forms (i.e jelly beans, choc buttons etc) but seems to be as stubborn as me.”
A: Sudden refusal to use the potty, or ‘balking’ as Dr Spock calls it, is common amongst children who have willingly used a potty early in the second year – they just suddenly change their pattern. Spock thinks the origins of the problem could do with a feeling of independence and that potty training “… may seem too much like the parents’ scheme”. Spock warns that if pressure is put upon the child they may resort to holding back movements for the entire day if they can manage it, a form of ‘psychological’ constipation.
He offers words of reassurance though, especially for children in this age range. “Balking is more apt to occur in the first half of the second year than in the second half. This is a signal for you to wait at least until about the middle of the year to start training, and to feel that it is he who has decided to control his bowel and bladder.”
He’ll only poo in his pants
Q: “My little man has just turned 4 and has been an excellent child to potty train – not one wet bed! But recently he has started pooing in his pants both at school and at home. I have tried not shouting but it is getting to a stage where both me and his dad despair. We started a reward chart in the bathroom – one sticker per poo on the loo and if he gets three in a week he can choose something nice. That was great for six weeks then he started pooing again! Does anyone have any advice as I’m lost.”
A: American paediatrician and childcare expert Dr Benjamin Spock highlights this as a particular problem with many children, especially boys. “Many … boys, when they train themselves for urine, stop giving up their bowel movements (BM) on the potty. They apparently can’t give in to all of their parents’ requests at once.” Pressurising them at this point can make matters worse, warns Spock, which may lead to your son holding in his poo, making it painful to pass – an added problem! What should you do instead then? Spock recommends taking a very relaxed approach until your son has regained his confidence and interest in doing poos on the potty. “Tell the child he can wait to do his BM until he has his nappy on.”
Pre-school potty peer pressure!
Many preschools do not take children who are potty trained or at least express a displeasure at doing so. Dr T Brazelton, author of Toilet Training the Brazelton Way and Clinical Professor of Paediatrics Emeritus at Harvard Medical School, thinks the pressure this puts on panicking parents and vulnerable children is wrong. “Parents will then begin to rush their child. He may accept the pressure to be clean and dry for his parents’ sake or he may resist,” he warns. If your child doesn’t manage to get the hang of potty training he may then start to feel a failure in this area, which then sets off a series of problems which can further be exacerbated by the conflicting way in which his parents and his school carers respond to him, eg encouragingly with the former and impatiently with the latter.
Brazelton suggests trying to adopt a team approach with your child’s school to see if you can compromise in the situation, for everyone’s benefit. “…discuss with your child’s teacher you decision to let your child set the pace of toilet training. Listen to his or her objections and concerns first, and then share your own. Be sure you are both in agreement.” If your chosen school will not accept children in nappies, he advises you try to find an alternative venue in the interim, where this will not be a problem. If your child is nearly there with potty training but has the occasional accident, make sure that you are happy about the way in which his teacher will deal with any mishaps. If he gets teased by other preschoolers about not being dry, Brazelton recommends a relaxed response which reassures him that they also went through these times and that he is the boss of his own toilet training. “Your respect and gentle encouragement may help him make his own efforts – and they will be his.”
Bed-wetting at five years old
Q: “We’re still waiting, at five years of age, for my son to be able to go through the night dry. He’s been dry while awake since he was 2 years and 4 months old, and in pull-ups since he was three, but he still has wet pull-ups most mornings. His dad and uncle (my brother) were both late wetters so the poor chap hasn’t much hope. He’s keen to ‘try pants’ but we both know it’s 50:50 whether that mean wet sheets by 3am. I’m dreading the first sleepover invite. He’s so grown up about it, and we don’t make a fuss about it but it looks like he’s aware that majority of 5-year-olds don’t need a nappy at night.”
A: Genetics can play a part in bedwetting. In Toddler Taming, Dr Christopher Green says that: “Delay in bladder training at night seems to have an extremely strong genetic relationship. Some studies show almost 70% of bed-wetters have a parent or a sibling with a similar problem.” It also seems to affect boys more than girls.
This is not to say that you will never have a night without a nappy! According to Dr Spock, only two or three per cent of children still wet their beds at 12 years of age. Spock says that, as long as your child is growing well physically and psychologically without any other symptoms, gaining night-time bladder control is a gradual thing. What is important is how you are about it. “Since avoiding or lessening shame and self-doubt is important … both mother and father should look for opportunities to build lasting self-esteem in the child…[and] maintain an interest in their child’s attempts to remain dry, expressing pleasure when success occurs and encouragement when he fails.” And while you’re waiting for this day to come, be reassured by Dr Green’s point in this matter: “… be reassured that, although other parents are not openly declaring the fact, two other children in their child’s class will also be regular bed-wetters.”
Three and still won’t train
Q: “My son was 3 in January and I have been trying to potty train him for the past few months with no success. I have been putting him on the potty about every 15 minutes and he does wee when I put him there. He knows that wees and poos go in there but unless I prompt him he doesn’t seem to associate that he needs to do a wee in the potty. He doesn’t seem to care about being wet or poos in his pants and just carries on regardless of his discomfort. My health visitor said to leave him in pants and he will associate wetness with discomfort and want to be trained but he sat there quite happy in a puddle this morning! Do you think I have a problem or is this a normal thing with some boys?”
A: Dr Christopher Green says that one of the most common requests of help he gets each year is from parents of children aged 2.5-3.5 years old who refuse to use the potty.
Great … but what on earth can be done? Green admits it is a tricky situation but not one without remedy. The key point, as it seems with all potty training troubles, is to try to relax and back away from the problem. “At this point both toddler and parent have dug in for a siege and while in that position nether they nor their bowels are likely to move,” he wisely summarises. Instead, Dr Green advises you to temporarily stop all attempts at training and, only once calm has been re-established, start from the beginning, by letting your child become comfortable at sitting on the potty. Once a relaxed sitting habit has been established, remain calm and wait for the big day to come. If your toddler is being really resistant to even sitting on the potty, Green recommends a little distraction technique. “This starts with the potty in front of the television, the child seated with trainer pants in place. From here there is a gradual move to no pants, no television and no nonsense.”
Potty training doesn’t always go smoothly. Here are some problems that babyworld members have shared.
Should my son stand to wee?
This wasn’t one of the issues that appeared on our Potty Training forum but it’s one that many mothers of boys do wonder about. If your son is going to have to learn to pee standing up eventually, why not start now?
All the potty experts agree that this is not something to push at such a young age. After all, boys will see their dads and older brothers standing to urinate and they will probably want to follow suit when they get older. However, now’s the time to concentrate on getting them used to the idea behind bladder and bowel control as a whole rather than on an independent skill. Dr Brazelton points out that if you try to get him to stand when peeing, getting him to sit at all on his potty will be difficult. “Once he’s learned to sit, then teach him how to aim by making a noise in the toilet water or on the side of his plastic potty when he stands. He’s bound to be thrilled.”
Accidents will happen
Q: “My son has been potty-trained for about 3 months; however, he has just got over a bad case of chicken pox and now has a cold! He has gone back to nursery this week and keeps having accidents. He just doesn’t like going on the potty at nursery. They aren’t private and he is quite shy. I am so upset as we have no problems at home but every day at nursery he is having accidents. Do you think it will sort itself out when he is 100% better? I am very reluctant to put him back in nappies.”
A: Fear not. Paediatrician Dr Spock warns parents to expect setbacks. ”Mastery of bowel and bladder functions occurs in little steps for most children. You can expect plateaus and setbacks … emotional upsets, illness, travelling, a new baby – these can cause setbacks even in a child who appears to be fully trained.” Spock urges parents not to scold or punish their children when this occurs as it is during these times that your child needs your support and to know that he will regain control and respect again soon.
Potty training when travelling
Potty training is coming on a treat at home but on a long weekend to Granny Smith’s your child fiercely demands her nappies back again. Brazelton says that as she’s trying to grasp the fundamentals about potty training, she’s likely to think only her potty will do when the situation arises. It’s logical really – at this point, they are having to consider how and where mummy and daddy go to the loo when not at home. It’s likely she will fail and then feel disappointed when that happens.
Routine and potty training often go hand-in-hand, with the toddler wanting the same potty, the same room, and the same teddy to hold while ‘performing’. It might take a while for her to get the hang of trying to go to the loo in different surroundings, even if the potty is the same. Brazelton recommends plenty of warning of your plans and encouragement when accidents happen. If they can’t bear the thought of flushing their wee or poo away in a strange toilet, tell them you realise how precious their ‘offering’ is to them and give them the opportunity to flush it away. If that’s too much, Spock recommends discreetly putting it in the pan when they have walked away and forgotten about it!
How do I deal with a splashing phobia?
Q: “My first son is pretty much potty-trained although we weren’t getting very far with poos because he always does it first thing in the morning in his nappy before we got a chance to take it off. Anyway, in the last week, we seem to have broken that habit and he has been going to the toilet for it during the day. However, a couple of times he has complained about being wet (when it splashes into the pan!). Yesterday, when it happened, he was screaming and trying to get off. Surprise surprise, today he has been weeing on the toilet but has been running around clenching his buttocks occasionally, running to the toilet and then running back saying he doesn’t need to poo since about 6.30pm and has gone to bed in a nappy as usual so no doubt it will be there in the morning! Anyone else had to deal with
a splashing phobia? What do I do?”
A: Most of the potty training manuals omitted this problem but, when you think about it, it’s a fair fear! No one likes to be ‘splashed’. We thought the following recommendation from babyworld member Helen was fantastic. ”I don’t know if it would help but there is a good way to stop the water splashing as much if not completely. When your son gets up, if you get to the toilet before him lay a couple of sheets of paper on the top of the water in the toilet. It should stop it splashing up as much.”
Sibling rivalry
Again, this was not a problem cited by mothers on our forum but it might be something some of you encounter on your potty training adventures. Your son or daughter might be nearly fully potty trained but, on or before the arrival of a newborn into the house, they revert to wetting their pants or hiding behind a curtain to have a poo. Brazelton reassures parents that this is normal. “Just as they may want to nurse, or to drink out of a bottle ‘like baby’, they are likely to want to wet and soil and wear diapers again too. If your child does this, offer him diapers or training pants again.”
Brazelton also stresses the importance of changing your elder child with the same love and enthusiasm you once had when doing this activity - and remember that the reason why he’s doing this is to be the doted-on baby he once was. “Reassure him that you value him for the older child he has become, but that you can accept his need to be your baby again sometimes too. Otherwise, he too may see his wetting and soiling as a failure.” With time, he should revert back to being trained again.
