The number of men staying at home to bring up their children has almost doubled in the last 15 years (Source: Office of National Statistics). More fathers are working part-time and sharing the childcare. Over the same period the number of stay-at-home mums has fallen by almost a quarter.
Being a home dad is becoming more common but these fathers still face a number of practical and emotional challenges. A loss of identity, a feeling of isolation, losing daily contact with work colleagues, and missing those ‘water-cooler conversations’ are things many find themselves having to cope with.
NCT, the UK’s largest charity for fathers and mothers, has branches throughout the country offering help and support to parents-to-be and those with children under two. The branches run a variety of activities and events, including regular Bumps & Babies groups, which are supported by nappy care ointment Bepanthen.
The groups offer opportunities for men and women to meet up and share ideas and advice in a supportive environment. Fathers are increasingly getting involved in these groups but sometimes they feel they do not quite belong or just want more male companionship. This is what one man found, as did several others who joined him, when he set up a dads’ group in south east London.
Martin Hastings worked in marketing as a product manager. His wife, Helen, has worked for the Royal Bank of Scotland for more than 20 years and loves her job, which brings home more money than Martin’s. So when Helen finished her six months maternity leave after they had their baby girl, Isabella, they decided it would be best if Martin stayed at home to look after her.
Their decision was supported by family and friends. Martin said: “Some of my friends told me they wished they had more time with their kids because fathers often miss out on precious moments.
“I had my fears of being a stay-at-home dad – would I be able to pick up the necessary skills, like changing nappies? We were starting to wean Isabella at six months and I started cooking and making up feed for her but I was scared of being cut off from society.“
For many men it can be intimidating walking into some groups as the only man, facing twenty pairs of mothers’ eyes looking you up and down.
“I knew a couple of people in the antenatal class but other than that I didn’t know any mothers or fathers,” said Martin. “I felt weird going to my local parent and baby group – mothers would look at me a bit strangely. It seemed everyone knew people and I felt I had to make a real effort to meet mums, but it wasn’t the same as meeting dads. I felt I was missing out by not being with other stay-at-home fathers, who I felt I had more in common with.
“I was keen to meet other dads in my position, so I asked the NCT branch in Lewisham if there was a dad’s group in my area. They said no, but if I wanted to set one up they would help as much as they could. I decided to take them up on it.”
Martin aimed to meet five or six stay-at-home dads once a week. He put up leaflets in coffee shops, met dads through NCT and, following an article in the charity’s newsletter, new fathers continued to join the group. When they met up, conversations swung from football, politics and DIY to nappies, baby fashion and changing shades of baby poo.
Martin said: “What I enjoyed most about the group was that it was so easy to find things in common and to value male company. It was fun to see the reaction of people in the street seeing a group of three men all pushing buggies. My favourite moment was when I walked over a pedestrian crossing and a white van driver wound down his window and shouted ‘Give that baby back’!
The group continued to grow and Martin was contacted up by a local children’s centre asking him if he wanted to set up a local parent and baby group there. They also received a lottery grant so they could run courses for stay–at-home dads.
In the summer of 2008 South East London Dads was officially formed and has grown to more than 100 stay-at-home dads with three play sessions a week and weekly social meetings. A grant from the Co-operative Membership Community Fund helps them run courses on nutrition and cooking for babies and young children.
Martin said: “When I had my son, Tomas, in 2009, I felt I couldn’t run the group on my own any more. I set up a committee and delegated 90 per cent of the tasks.” He left Lewisham for Essex in 2010 but, thanks to his hard work, the group is still flourishing today.
Martin said: “I heard from NCT that there are no other dads’ groups of that size in the country.”
Sally Horrox, Director of Corporate Communications at NCT said: “We’d love to see more dads setting up their own equivalent of Bumps & Babies groups, as well as coming along to ones that also cater for mums. They are a great way to meet people, and share ideas and advice in a supportive environment. Thanks to the support of Bepanthen we can give dads and mums a helping hand to get their groups going. Anyone interested should get in touch with their local branch – details are on our website at www.nct.org.uk/branches.”
NCT also provides a range of resources especially for dads and dads-to-be, including two free online guides and information sheets. To find out more visit: http://www.nct.org.uk/about-nct/resources-dads.
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