Groups > Relationships & sex

Hi, I have 2 amazing children, 3 and 6, and have been with my DH 14 years! Is it too late for me to admit that I’m not actually in love with him?
We are ok financially and our normal daily live are ok but I’m sad to say that I’m not attracted to him, have no real passion or compassion for him and i treat our relationship as a friendship. We do share a bed and have intimacy but that isn’t something I instigate. He gets quite upset that I’m not more interested.
It upsets me that, although I know he loves our kids, he does actually play with them and is often demanding and short of patience. My kids don’t have a bond with him and it’s always me they want.
He’s also short tempered with me but I can handle that I I have to.

So, without big obvious reasons, and a very unhappy life, is it wrong of me to be thinking of leaving him? He would be deverstated and I’m not sure how the kids would react.
Or should I carry on as we are, with dissatisfaction, lack of love and ignoring negative feelings?

Thanks x

I meant to write ‘he doesn’t play with the kids’

You can’t stay in a relationship that you are not happy in! It is kind of you to think of his feelings, and wise to think of how it would affect the children, but it sounds like you are the primary caregiver for them already, and I would hope that he would be grown up enough to see that the sensible thing is to get out before you both start resenting each other.

But before you go for the separation route, have you thought about counselling? Relate is a charitable organisation that might be able to help (although there are charges for their services in most cases). You can find their website on http://www.relate.org.uk, and you can find centres in your area.

Maybe it is worth trying to find out if you can get the spark that attracted you to him in the beginning back?

At the end of the day though, if you are unhappy, it will affect your children, whether you mean for it to or not. Whatever will make you happy is what will be best for them in the long run.

I wish you all of the luck in the world, and hope that you find the right course of action. x

Thanks Kristy. I really appreciate your reply. I know you’re right. It’s so hard to find the right time to bring up the subject with DH but when I finally pluck up the courage I will try and suggest counselling. it’s worth a try. I’ve been feeling like this for so long now we’re kind of in a rut but it can’t go on forever. . Thanks again xxx

I agree with Kristy,
If you don’t ‘hate’ him, then all may not be lost. See if you can get counselling, it’s amazing how they can change views (so I’m told lol).
Good luck with it all xx

Thanks Mim. No, I don’t hate him so hopefully it will all be ok in the end. I’m feeling more hopeful today xxx

Glad that I could be of some help. Please do let us know how you get on. I will be thinking of you. xx

I know this is a late reply, but I was in a similar situation, I’d been with my ex husband for 11 years in total and we have a son who is 4 and a half. I didn’t hate him, but I didn’t feel anything for him, I loved him as a friend. We didn’t have intimacy though, he was never interested really and in the end I just became to nervous to approach it and also just simply was not attracted to him anymore. In October 2010 after he asked what was wrong one night, I just told him the truth. There was nothing bad with our relationship, we didn’t fight, but he didn’t really help with our son and be a part of our lives, I just said to him that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life in this way, I was too young to be living a celibate life and realised life is too short. I didn’t want to come to resent him one day, so wanted to end it. Naturally we were both upset, but after a couple of hours he agreed that it was right. I don’t believe he was with me for love, more companionship, he didn’t ask me to marry him, it was just agreed and he didn’t really want children. Anyway, I know my situation is possibly rare, as we were divorced 6 months after we split and it was so ridiculously straight forward people didn’t believe me, and he actually spends more time with DS than he did when we lived there.

I’m now with the true love of my life, and we are expecting our first baby next month. You are lucky as you have intimacy, and I would definitely try counselling, I suggested that years ago to my ex but he shot me down, really the alarm bells rang many years ago but I was too young and nervous to walk away.

Good luck and I hope things are ok, but don’t be afraid to walk away if you still feel the same. As a PP said, the children will pick up on it eventually if you are not happy. It is scary, but I am thankful that I found the courage to do what I did as the thought of staying unhappy until I died scared me more.

xx